


Shattered

by Turnedtohatred



Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: F/M, Focus on both movie and comicverse, M/M, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:40:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turnedtohatred/pseuds/Turnedtohatred
Summary: This fanfic also exists on rockangel2410. Same writer.





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is a song fic.  
> Below you find the song I used to write chapter 1. English is not my native language, and I have no beta. So there will be some mistakes here and there, sorry for that.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXspxhEy6Yo

" _ Max!"  _ A name he hadn't heard in such a long while caused him to shift in his deep unpleasant slumber. He guessed the vague figures would be his parents, crying for him to save himself. A hand of a woman was pulling at him. "  **_Max, save her! Anya!!_ ** **"** The woman pleaded. He found himself feeling lost. "I-I can't. I am sorry, Magda." He struggled, a torn feeling of hatred and a sickening guilt running over him. He felt like it was the first time he had led his powers to act by hatred alone. A feeling of sadness and grief and a need to inflict pain, to those who caused this terrible loss. He had scared her, Magda, the one he had fallen for in the past. And she ran, as if she had seen the monster inside of him. A being that had been chained and had been freed due to the lost of his innocent daughter.  He had loved her, Magda but that was a past, and he had been forgotten. The darkness of that night however had remained and once more was reflected in the lonely chamber he had locked himself in. "Erik?" He hears Raven call him, in order to awaken him, which he does with a feverish gasp. "What is it, Mystique?" He demands her, an order to know if nothing is wrong, that he still wasn't found and alone. She sat on his bedside: "You were having a bad dream again." She whispered it softly glancing towards the end of the bed.

He noticed it being broken, bent in the kind of way that you wouldn't believe it was done by human strength, which he was not. "You should leave." He urged and he noticed a hint of doubt reflected in her eyes. "Now!" He said firmly, slightly bending the bed in a way to scare her. She left with a soft pace. "Call me Erik if you need me to keep you warm." She said it gently, he however shook his head knowing the meaning of those words. "Do not ask this again Mystique." He said and she noticed the hurt with came with his refusal. "Do you miss him?" She asked glancing back from the door. 

"Who?" He asked. Although he knew who she meant, he only wondered why she asked about him. She closed the door after his reply, sighing deeply. He hadn't eaten for five days. Only drank when she fed him water. She knew following Erik was the right decision. She wondered if Erik decision was the right one for him. Since they came to live here, he hadn't called her by her name. He didn't mind her calling him Erik , but it pained her that he refused to call her by her given name. Erik buried his face with his hands, trying to calm his mind once more. "That war is over." He told himself, over and over again. Magda was gone, Anya was gone. He was alone, like he should be. The small window offered a small bit of light. He didn't have any mirrors and the metal in the room was reduced to only his bed, a lamp and the door handle. Raven had told him to have as less metal as possible. She was afraid he would use it against him. However he couldn't come with the thought of killing himself. He still had so much he had to set right. For instance making plans to protect the mutants of humankind. He didn't want them to become the Jews of yet another Holocaust. He felt a guilt towards his friend Charles, who due to his failure lost his ability to walk. Erik was lost, he knew and he didn't know how to fix this burning rage inside of him.

 

_ "What do you know about me." _

 

" **_Everything!"_ **

 

It was his favorite torture method. Allowing himself to believe Charles words. And then acting as if that discussion never had been there. Back then Charles did give him the feeling he was understood. Which made the pain of leaving him far more greater than one could ever give him credit for.


	2. You are broken, you both are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for chapter 2  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyJiKH7b-OI

Hank knocked on the wooden door in front of him, he did so the last couple of days only to get a weak response from the other side: "I'm fine." Charles said burying himself in another pile of books. The doctors had told him, his legs couldn't been saved and he would never be able to walk again. Charles wished that news was what pained him the most, but it wasn't. He had lost so much, and he knew he should be enraged at Erik - _But he couldn't.  
  
_ Charles had lost both "Magneto & Mystique" that day. But in reality he had lost two of his most precious friends. Erik and Raven. ‘ __Erik ' He sighted. It tormented him, what was Erik to him that he could forgive what happened without a second guess. He doubt what they had could be described as friendship. Sure you could write it off as a bond of brothers, but Charles wasn't that sure about that.   
He enjoyed being around his students, and they didn't bother him about having classes by a guy in a wheelchair. He enjoyed giving lectures, improving his students abilities and trying to offer peace instead of fear.   


_ Maybe I'm trying to fix my students because I couldn't -  _

He ignored his own thoughts listening to the already many voices around him. Such as the worries reflected from Hank at the other side of the door. "Don't you dare." Charles said firmly at the other side of the door and Hank sighted.  _ Stop reading my mind, Charles. I want to help - Maybe Erik can help..."  _ Hank offered. "No." Charles said bluntly. Erik couldn't help - because he was fine. He could deal with this, he had his students.   


_ I am fine _

_ \----- _

At the very same moment Raven was having the same thoughts about Erik and Charles, and although she promised herself to not mention his name as long as Erik didn't start that conversation she debated more often with herself if that time ever would come. Erik only mentioned Charles when he was having a nightmare. And she noticed the anger when she pushed him into the shower only to find his iron bed being replaced by wood. She had taken every metal away from him - except one a bullet. She knew the impact that object had on him. How he was feeding himself by guilt and shame and at this point she wanted him to move on, or rather she wanted Erik to be happy. To go  _ Home. _ She had loved him for a long time - He had hold her even. But they both knew this wasn't love.

"How long are you going to starve yourself Erik?" She said without a hint of emotion. It was yet another cold night in this cave he had locked himself in. "I am not hungry - leave me alone." He grumbled, he didn't know when he had his last meal. In the darkness it was impossible to tell how many hours had passed. "It's been four days, you need to eat." She whispered calm, biting her bottom lip in frustration. "I said I'm not hungry!" He screamed furious at her, and that had done it. Shifting into a form he would never allow her to - speaking with the voice he wouldn't want to hear.  _ "Eat Erik!" _ She screamed bursting into tears while using Charles voice to awake him from this enduring nightmare.   His eyes widened : "Why?"

He wanted to throw away his blankets - hit her and scream. And then he realized, he couldn't do those things. He had turned skinny, pale and fragile. He buried his face in his hands as she shifted into her original form. "Why did you turn into him." He said with a pained voice. "Because he is the only one that could stop you from destroying yourself." She whispered with a soft gentle smile on her face. "Because he was the closest thing you loved after so many years of solitude." Raven pulled him into her arms, and although Erik wished he could deny and argue about those words being as broken as he was - He had no strength to run from them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of chapter 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88fh-gFstWg

Charles awoke from one of his unpleasant dreams. He cursed the memory that came along with it. His head hurt, the many voices seemed hard to bare. It didn’t blend well with the several whiskey glasses he had drank the night before. He took a sharp breath, his eyes widened when a sickening voice rose out of many others. One he had been able to read clearer then whatever voice he had in the past.

_ Erik. _

  
He hissed when Hank came running into the room. “Charles it’s-” “What the hell is Erik doing here.” He groaned, he didn’t want to see him. He shouldn’t look for him. Hank walked towards his side, eyed him with care. Charles hadn’t realized he had stopped breathing as soon as the other had walked into the room. Charles tried not to laugh seeing the other. Hank must have beaten seven shades of Sunday out of him. “Did you enjoy catching up with Hank.” He wasn’t even going to hide his delight. Erik wavered before walking in earning a glare from Hank and walked out of the door. Hank hadn’t raised a finger towards himself. But Erik didn’t plan to admit that fact yet. He took an eye in the man in front of him. How long had it been.

_ Too long. _

Charles looked different, his hair was messier. He looked pale as if he hadn’t slept for days. He noticed the whiskey glass.  _ What happened to your disgusting tea.  _ Charles glared and spoke to him. “I grew tired of it.” It pained Erik that his friend seemed so destructive, this wasn’t how he remembered Charles to be. He told himself Charles had every right to feel angry, or even feel a sense of hatred towards him. Erik knew when he dragged his feet to this very place he had hurt Charles in the worst possible way.

_ I am sorry. _

The way Charles laughed when he didn’t even spoke those words aloud, but in his mind was painful in many ways. As far as the telepath hated the other he didn’t want any bloodstains on his carpet. “Take some tissues if you need them, there on the desk.” he tapped on the side of his bed and cursed himself for not telling Hank to get his wheelchair. He wasn’t able to move. 

_ Did Erik know he couldn’t walk?   _   


“What do you want Erik?” He barked at him.  _ Not that he really gave a damn what Erik wanted, and why should he? The man abandoned him bleeding and paralysed on a beach and took away his only true family, his sister with him. No he didn’t care about the man's motives, they normally caused pain for him, and him alone. _

Erik eyed the other, feeling an emotion he knew far too well arise in the other. When Charles asked him what he needed he couldn’t help but remember what Raven had told him:  **_"Because he is the only one that could stop you from destroying yourself. Because he was the closest thing you loved after so many years of solitude.”_ **

Charles didn’t need him, but Erik did. He needed him as a human needed air to breath. He felt the silence and the pain in the way the other looked at him. “I shouldn’t have left.” The words escaped his lips. He wondered who of them both looked more fragile this very moment. Himself who was bleeding or Charles who’s stunning blue eyes seemed dull and broken. He didn’t know how he would find Charles, but not like this.

“There’s a lot you shouldn’t have done.” He grabbed the last of remains of his whiskey, like hell he was having this conversation sober. He ran his hand through his hair, biting his lip in anger. “You’ve wasted your time coming here, I hope you at least know that!” Erik crossed his arms, taking a note of the sudden change and started to smile. “Perhaps it could feel that way to you. But I would not think so lowly about yourself, my old friend.” He stared at the other not even able to tear his gaze away. “Glad to see your pathetic attempt to protect yourself. I have missed you too.” He admitted in a slight rage, he had returned and now Charles was pushing him away. He wouldn’t allow it, not until he was sure he didn’t mean anything to the other.

Charles threw the glass only a few inches of Erik’s side cursed him when the other didn’t even dodge.  “I don’t think lowly of myself, Erik.” He snarled at the other and added: “You lost the right to call me that a long time ago, on a beach in Cuba.”

Erik shook his head and took a step closer. “I am not letting you run away from this. You may have thought it would never be possible, but I intend to chase you until you either accept me or kill me whatever you wish. You said you knew everything about me Charles. A bit unfair don’t you think when you hide behind locked doors and shut everyone off so you can’t feel anymore pain.”

“How can you know Erik. How can you possibly know my pain.” The other started to choke, as if he couldn’t breath. Erik narrowed the distance. Charles used his fist in a pathetic attempt to hit him. He lacked strength, no he simply couldn’t hurt the other. He could only hit him, halfhearted. “Who said I’m running. I can’t even walk!” He screamed: “If anyone will leave it will you!”

“You act as if you know me so well.” Charles tone was death, no emotion lingered any longer. It hadn’t been there for a while.

Hank had told Erik that Charles couldn’t walk, didn’t accept any help from no one. He shook his head. “I wish I could agree, but no Charles I do not.” He didn’t know this Charles. And he couldn’t explain why he pulled the other into his arms. This man was filled with bitterness and disgust. He was different from the friend he deeply loved before, the one that tore his heart apart when he left. But he was still the Charles he would return to, the one Raven had begged him to leave her for and return to where he belonged.

Charles needed to break from these arms. He wanted Erik to go, to not see him in this state. He cursed before he pushed himself to say the words that he could only imagine to break Erik in the worst way and push him out of his heart once and for all: “Did I even tell you that when you killed Shaw that I could feel everything he couldn’t.” He licked his dry lips a bit: “So you metaphorically speaking of course killed me too.” His gaze met the other and he added with remorse in his voice: “But looking back on it I brought it on myself for trusting you.”

Erik tightened his hold on the other. Charles didn’t need to read his mind to see that his confession on murdering Shaw had probably caused the wanted effect. It tore him apart and Charles had every right to do so. Perhaps Charles was a fool for trusting him. “Charles I need to know did you have no effect of my disappearance? You hadn’t thought about me once these many months we haven’t spoken or seen each other. You never wanted to find me, thought about me once? Or did you give up?” He looked at Charles showing much more emotion than the other knew he could portrait.

“I may have once or twice just wondering if you were locked up or dead.” He shook his head. “I guess I gave up.” He didn’t want to look at him. “You didn’t truly gave up.” Erik spoke and Charles cringed when he read Erik’s mind.  _ Of course that stupid board could give me away. _

“I did not die, yet it was close of dying. I did not get imprisoned, I locked myself up.” Erik held his hand and Charles was hit with a wave of memories.

_ 'I won’t let you die that easily Erik'  _ He hears his sister voice and he started to get a clear image for why the man had looked this broken. Erik planned to kill himself after killing Shaw. Raven went with him in order to keep Erik alive for his sake. He flinched when he saw Raven’s methods. Taking away all metal and replacing it with wood. The only metal in his room being his silver coin and -

Charles eyes widened. “Are you an idiot, Erik.” He hissed when he grabbed his jacket and took out the bullet out of his pocket. “You didn’t.” He looked at the other his facade falling when he held that object into his hand.

Erik looked at the other. “I swear I will not run away from you ever again.” Charles lost his fight, he must be an idiot for trusting Erik Lehnsherr.


	4. Love you Like I lost you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le1beNegYQE
> 
> Maybe not what you would think I used, but yes this was the song I listened on repeat writing this chapter

_ Why was it so hard to breath when Erik held him? _ Charles questioned himself over and over again.  _ Had Erik seen what he had been feeling before _ . Charles wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. He looked to the tired face in front of him, noticing how his eyes felt as if he was portraying his soul in this very moment. It made him feel uneasy, he was the telepath not Erik.  _ A person with cold hands was supposed to be kind _ . He had felt a slight brush of his cold fingers when Erik gave their board. He noticed how careful he held it, as if he treasured the memories. The board that belonged to his father, his real father. Not the abusive figure who took his father’s place and broke his mother’s heart.

He blinked, he felt tired - too tired to deal with the mess Erik brought with him by entering his world once more. “I’m not a pity case.” The words had escaped him, he only meant them half hearted but he spoke them aloud and noticed the small shiver coming from the taller male.“I know.” Erik whispered, a feeling of frustration and panic arising inside of him. “I don’t do this out of guilt alone, Charles I don’t pity you.” His eyes stared down at his old friend.                       

_ I understand you don’t truly take me on my word, but Charles I never wanted to hurt you.  _ The way those words were spoken, it seemed unfit for the metal bender. It was sincere, surreal and Charles felt his heart feel heavy. He licked his lips feeling nervous, unsure of what would become of them both.

A silence, one Charles ended with a doubt. “I - Erik…” He wavered, thinking once more if he truly wanted to say his next words. But he noticed how careful Erik was, even when he held him and let him hit him he was patient. Charles sighted: “I need your..help.”

Erik felt surprised: “Help?” He asked the other, taking notice of how frail and broken Charles looked at him. He swallowed and nodded: “Of course, I will help you in the best of my abilities.” It wasn’t just a promise, Charles knew in the way he said those words with extra care and certainly.

“I - want you to be my caretaker. And help me to start my school.” He eyed the other, already expecting the refusal that came from his proposal. Erik however didn’t refuse. “Of course.” Erik whispered it softly. The conversation that hang between the two left many words unsaid. By the both of them, Charles would need time to rebuild his trust in Erik. And Erik needed time to prove himself, but he knew that it was a small first step. “You need to stop drinking…” Erik said careful and was greeted with a heavy sigh from the blue eyed male. 

“I know.”

“You need proper sleep.” Erik pointed out and Charles laughed with a hint of sadness. “Do you?” He asked the other. Erik couldn’t lie: “Barely.”

In that moment they both understood they needed to become some kind of support for the both of them. And in the same instant they realized how difficult it would be. “It’s late - I.” Erik mumbled when he saw it was already 2 am. Charles nodded, moving his fingers to his temple. “Apparently Hank had much more faith in you then I did. He prepared a room for you. It’s - close to mine.” Charles didn’t want to sound bitter, he simply didn’t want to be cared for. He wasn’t used to it, and he didn’t want to get used to Erik being near too much. He already wondered if Erik as his caretaker was a good idea to begin with. A soft knock broke his thoughts and he told Hank to enter. “Hank will show you your room.” Charles said softly, in which Erik nodded and stood up to leave.

“Goodnight Charles.” Erik looked at his old friend once more. “See you tomorrow.” “Goodnight Erik.” Charles didn’t truly believe the other would be here the next day. He would figure it later, he guessed. Charles watched the door close, and he felt a familiar sting.

_ Why did you return Erik? _

He played out the conversation they had.

_ Raven is wrong. I never could save him from himself. I didn’t even know he wanted to throw his life away. _

He looked at the broken pieces of glass, if Erik would await him in the morning he would ask him to clean it up. And he will ask of him to throw away that cursed coin. It scared Charles, that Raven used him to blackmail Erik in living. 

_ What does that even mean? I mean enough for him to live? Why? _

Charles decided those questions could only be answered by the man that had left him before. He pulled his blankets closer, trying to seek some warmth. But even the blankets reminded him of how cold the other felt. He cursed inwards and forced himself to try to find some rest.


	5. I still do

A sharp pain stung in his head when sunlight hit his face. Which fool dared to wake him when he still needed to get sober - he thought about the nightmare he had the night before. 

_ Like Erik wou- _

Charles blinked taking in the figure in front of him. “Erik?” He pushed himself up and gazed at the tall man in front of him. “Yes, Charles?” The man looked at him, more stiff then when they met. Fresh cloths, and if his leg didn’t refuse to budge he would think he was having a dream about one of his oldest memories.

_ He did return - yesterday wasn’t a dream… _

Charles sat there frozen, eyes wide and dry lips. “Hit me I think I’m dreaming.” His head hurt, but a small shiver got over his spine when he heard a sound that looked like a suppressed laugh coming from the mutant. “I’d rather not.” Erik said with a wry smile. “I’ve made breakfast for you. Back to the tea- I googled one that helped you sober up a little.” Erik said walking to the door.

_ IS HE BLOODY KIDDING ME! _

He licked his lips, curious what Erik was thinking.  _ It’s the least I can do.  _ Charles had to tell himself this wasn’t the time to dig deeper into the mind of that man. He was sure he would find something that would make him regret looking. Perhaps a small peek wouldn’t harm.

**_"Because he is the only one that could stop you from destroying yourself. Because…”_ **

Erik gasped: “OUT!” 

Charles blinked.  _ Did Erik just… No - he’d never refused before. Why! _

Erik noticed the change in Charles demeanor - the rapid breaths, the look of fear. “Charles…” He was with him in an instant. Holding him locked in his arms. “Are you going to leave.” The telepath said.  _ Was he about to cry? _ “What? No! I won’t leave you!” Erik’s heart shattered. Did he cause the telepath abandonment issues. “Charles look at me.” Erik took Charles head in his hands and forced him to look.

_ I will never abandon you - I… _

Charles shook his head, trying to push Erik away once more. “How can you hide anything from me - what are you so ashamed of that you won’t allow me to look.”

“Why do you still have secrets after returning to me - HOW DARE YOU!” Charles fear changed into rage. “I care enough for you to open my door for you - and…” Erik hugged the telepath. He was afraid - so very afraid. But when Charles said he cared about him, his defense slipped and the thing he hid so carefully until now slipped through his fingers.

**_“He was the closest thing you loved after so many years of solitude.”_ **

Charles looked at him, baffled. “W-What?!” Erik looked away.  _ I’m sorry Charles. _

_ Oh no - you look me straight in the eye! You loved me? _

Erik shook his head: “No.” Charles glared: “Then why did Raven say that!” 

“Love.” The mutant said softly.

_ It’s love not loved. _

_ \---- _

Erik walked out of the room when Hank came to check on Charles. “Everything alright, Charles?”

_ You look odd. _

Charles looked at his friend and shook his head. “How much do you know?” Hank shook his head. “Nothing more than he had told me. But you are far more talented to find that out.” Hank said tapping on the side of his head.“Do you think he’s serious?” Hank asked Charles, the other man gave a deep sigh. “Oh I think more than I imagined.” He shared the memory he’d seen from Erik. Hank smiled wary.   
  
“Who would have guessed.” Hank shook his head. “Seems like things will change now - did you know Erik already planned on rebuilding the broken wing.”

“He wants what-” Charles shook his head. “Also breakfast.” Hank teased and got hit by a thrown pillow in return. “You are enjoying this way too much my friend.”

Hank gasped playfully: “Still not close as Erik - dear old friend. Hmm.” Charles growled. “Get his ass back with my chair.” 

Hank’s smile widened. “Like I said - perhaps could Erik help.”

“Fuck you Hank.” Charles grumbled.

_ No thank you - that too I’ll leave to Erik! _

With that Hank ran out of the room before Charles would throw something other than a pillow.


End file.
